Courage under fire

I guess it's sort of ironic that the night after I compose a long post touting the virtues of NFP as birth control, I found myself pregnant. Yep...two ClearBlue Digitals told me what my chart couldn't...I was with child.

Unfortunately the next day I went to a little walk-in clinic at the mall for an official doctor's pregnancy test, and they disagreed. While my urine tests were positive, theirs was negative. The nurse that was running the place didn't have an explanation for me, but when I came home my mom's Googling skills did...it seemed an awful lot like a chemical pregnancy.

Now, I got the news of the negative result and the potential chemical pregnancy just as I was getting over the initial fear and shock of my unexpected result, and I was getting quite happy and excited. So this has been quite the blow. I've spent a lot of time crying.

Mike and I went to church this morning. I'm not sure if I've ever talked about it here, but I really dislike going to church when I'm feeling depressed. One of our priests is really upbeat and keeps informing us that God loves us and has plans for us, so when I show up seriously miserable I end up leaving not only seriously miserable, but also feeling like a terrible, non-trusting Catholic.

The whole situation sort of hit me on the way to church so I was struggling with my tears as we walked in. I have a theory that church is an emotional place for lots of people, so nobody will bother you if you cry discreetly. So I did. I kept my face averted and let the tears flow quietly as I listened to the young woman sitting behind us announce to her friends that she was pregnant and due in February, as we sang the opening hymn and said the opening prayers, and as we went through the readings.

Our priest is also very funny, so when he began his homily my tears dried up and I looked up for the first time that Mass. I was doing well until he finished by saying, "Always know that God loves you and has a fabulous plan for your life," and then told a story about a young couple who had a baby and it died ten minutes after birth. After that I felt a little queasy, so I told Mike that I was going to sit in the car for a little bit.

As I walked out I felt something, and sighed angrily. I was bleeding. I couldn't believe this...I was having a miscarriage during Mass. I went out to my car, tears streaking my face. When I got there I rolled up the windows for privacy, slid down in my seat, and quickly unbuttoned my jeans so I could check out how much blood there was.

There was...none.

I sat back in my seat, surprised. I leaned against the window so I could mull over the homily.

The thing is, when people say that God has a plan so everyone leads an amazing life, I'm not so sure that it's true. Or, at least, it doesn't work out that way. My job is proof positive of that. Every day I see kids who have seen more pain and trouble in their 15 years than some people have seen in a lifetime. And some of them are good, churchgoing kids too. Also, just because your life is amazing overall doesn't mean that you don't have rough patches. Even Jesus was dreading His time on the cross. Having faith doesn't mean you're immune to pain. And isn't it natural to fear pain?

On the other hand, being fearful of the bad things doesn't mean that you don't have faith, or that you don't want to go along with God's plan. Wanting one thing doesn't mean you won't do something else. If that was the case I'd never get to work because I'd be sleeping in all the time. If it's God's plan for me to have a miscarriage, obviously that will happen. I want to keep being pregnant, but I'll accept His plan through my tears.

At that point I bowed my head and prayed:

Dear Lord, help me to follow Your plan.
Let Your will be done despite my protests.
Work your plan through my unwilling hands, and let your path be trod by my unwilling feet.
Dear God, if You can, give me courage during this time.
If You can, comfort me as I cry.
And let me know that Your plan will ultimately lead to the greater good.

After that I felt it again. Bleeding. With a sigh I scrunched down in my seat and checked again.

Still nothing.

I straightened up, feeling like I'd learned a lesson.

I have an appointment at my regular gynecologist's office on Monday afternoon to get a pregnancy test. So we'll see what happens then. I hope I can get through it no matter what.