I got my blood test results back, and they're not the greatest.
Anyway, if you want to follow the saga of my testings I'm posting it in my regular blog, which can be found here. It's just getting to tough to post in two places.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Just so you know...
...I took two more urine tests at the doctor's yesterday, and it turns out that I am pregnant. Just five weeks along, but pregnant. I'm awaiting my blood results to see my hormone levels.
Thanks for the prayers :)
Thanks for the prayers :)
Sunday, September 9, 2007
Courage under fire
I guess it's sort of ironic that the night after I compose a long post touting the virtues of NFP as birth control, I found myself pregnant. Yep...two ClearBlue Digitals told me what my chart couldn't...I was with child.
Unfortunately the next day I went to a little walk-in clinic at the mall for an official doctor's pregnancy test, and they disagreed. While my urine tests were positive, theirs was negative. The nurse that was running the place didn't have an explanation for me, but when I came home my mom's Googling skills did...it seemed an awful lot like a chemical pregnancy.
Now, I got the news of the negative result and the potential chemical pregnancy just as I was getting over the initial fear and shock of my unexpected result, and I was getting quite happy and excited. So this has been quite the blow. I've spent a lot of time crying.
Mike and I went to church this morning. I'm not sure if I've ever talked about it here, but I really dislike going to church when I'm feeling depressed. One of our priests is really upbeat and keeps informing us that God loves us and has plans for us, so when I show up seriously miserable I end up leaving not only seriously miserable, but also feeling like a terrible, non-trusting Catholic.
The whole situation sort of hit me on the way to church so I was struggling with my tears as we walked in. I have a theory that church is an emotional place for lots of people, so nobody will bother you if you cry discreetly. So I did. I kept my face averted and let the tears flow quietly as I listened to the young woman sitting behind us announce to her friends that she was pregnant and due in February, as we sang the opening hymn and said the opening prayers, and as we went through the readings.
Our priest is also very funny, so when he began his homily my tears dried up and I looked up for the first time that Mass. I was doing well until he finished by saying, "Always know that God loves you and has a fabulous plan for your life," and then told a story about a young couple who had a baby and it died ten minutes after birth. After that I felt a little queasy, so I told Mike that I was going to sit in the car for a little bit.
As I walked out I felt something, and sighed angrily. I was bleeding. I couldn't believe this...I was having a miscarriage during Mass. I went out to my car, tears streaking my face. When I got there I rolled up the windows for privacy, slid down in my seat, and quickly unbuttoned my jeans so I could check out how much blood there was.
There was...none.
I sat back in my seat, surprised. I leaned against the window so I could mull over the homily.
The thing is, when people say that God has a plan so everyone leads an amazing life, I'm not so sure that it's true. Or, at least, it doesn't work out that way. My job is proof positive of that. Every day I see kids who have seen more pain and trouble in their 15 years than some people have seen in a lifetime. And some of them are good, churchgoing kids too. Also, just because your life is amazing overall doesn't mean that you don't have rough patches. Even Jesus was dreading His time on the cross. Having faith doesn't mean you're immune to pain. And isn't it natural to fear pain?
On the other hand, being fearful of the bad things doesn't mean that you don't have faith, or that you don't want to go along with God's plan. Wanting one thing doesn't mean you won't do something else. If that was the case I'd never get to work because I'd be sleeping in all the time. If it's God's plan for me to have a miscarriage, obviously that will happen. I want to keep being pregnant, but I'll accept His plan through my tears.
At that point I bowed my head and prayed:
Dear Lord, help me to follow Your plan.
Let Your will be done despite my protests.
Work your plan through my unwilling hands, and let your path be trod by my unwilling feet.
Dear God, if You can, give me courage during this time.
If You can, comfort me as I cry.
And let me know that Your plan will ultimately lead to the greater good.
After that I felt it again. Bleeding. With a sigh I scrunched down in my seat and checked again.
Still nothing.
I straightened up, feeling like I'd learned a lesson.
I have an appointment at my regular gynecologist's office on Monday afternoon to get a pregnancy test. So we'll see what happens then. I hope I can get through it no matter what.
Unfortunately the next day I went to a little walk-in clinic at the mall for an official doctor's pregnancy test, and they disagreed. While my urine tests were positive, theirs was negative. The nurse that was running the place didn't have an explanation for me, but when I came home my mom's Googling skills did...it seemed an awful lot like a chemical pregnancy.
Now, I got the news of the negative result and the potential chemical pregnancy just as I was getting over the initial fear and shock of my unexpected result, and I was getting quite happy and excited. So this has been quite the blow. I've spent a lot of time crying.
Mike and I went to church this morning. I'm not sure if I've ever talked about it here, but I really dislike going to church when I'm feeling depressed. One of our priests is really upbeat and keeps informing us that God loves us and has plans for us, so when I show up seriously miserable I end up leaving not only seriously miserable, but also feeling like a terrible, non-trusting Catholic.
The whole situation sort of hit me on the way to church so I was struggling with my tears as we walked in. I have a theory that church is an emotional place for lots of people, so nobody will bother you if you cry discreetly. So I did. I kept my face averted and let the tears flow quietly as I listened to the young woman sitting behind us announce to her friends that she was pregnant and due in February, as we sang the opening hymn and said the opening prayers, and as we went through the readings.
Our priest is also very funny, so when he began his homily my tears dried up and I looked up for the first time that Mass. I was doing well until he finished by saying, "Always know that God loves you and has a fabulous plan for your life," and then told a story about a young couple who had a baby and it died ten minutes after birth. After that I felt a little queasy, so I told Mike that I was going to sit in the car for a little bit.
As I walked out I felt something, and sighed angrily. I was bleeding. I couldn't believe this...I was having a miscarriage during Mass. I went out to my car, tears streaking my face. When I got there I rolled up the windows for privacy, slid down in my seat, and quickly unbuttoned my jeans so I could check out how much blood there was.
There was...none.
I sat back in my seat, surprised. I leaned against the window so I could mull over the homily.
The thing is, when people say that God has a plan so everyone leads an amazing life, I'm not so sure that it's true. Or, at least, it doesn't work out that way. My job is proof positive of that. Every day I see kids who have seen more pain and trouble in their 15 years than some people have seen in a lifetime. And some of them are good, churchgoing kids too. Also, just because your life is amazing overall doesn't mean that you don't have rough patches. Even Jesus was dreading His time on the cross. Having faith doesn't mean you're immune to pain. And isn't it natural to fear pain?
On the other hand, being fearful of the bad things doesn't mean that you don't have faith, or that you don't want to go along with God's plan. Wanting one thing doesn't mean you won't do something else. If that was the case I'd never get to work because I'd be sleeping in all the time. If it's God's plan for me to have a miscarriage, obviously that will happen. I want to keep being pregnant, but I'll accept His plan through my tears.
At that point I bowed my head and prayed:
Dear Lord, help me to follow Your plan.
Let Your will be done despite my protests.
Work your plan through my unwilling hands, and let your path be trod by my unwilling feet.
Dear God, if You can, give me courage during this time.
If You can, comfort me as I cry.
And let me know that Your plan will ultimately lead to the greater good.
After that I felt it again. Bleeding. With a sigh I scrunched down in my seat and checked again.
Still nothing.
I straightened up, feeling like I'd learned a lesson.
I have an appointment at my regular gynecologist's office on Monday afternoon to get a pregnancy test. So we'll see what happens then. I hope I can get through it no matter what.
Saturday, September 8, 2007
Reasons for NFP
A few days ago Faithful Catholic suggested that I stop NFP not only because I’m frustrated right now, but also because it’s based on bad theology. He says that condemning birth control is the same as condemning same-sex relationships…it’s all condemning any type of sex that won’t result in a conception.
Now, I don’t know much about theology so I’m not about to debate it. And I know I’ve never gotten much of anywhere trying to convince someone of my moral beliefs. The people who say they’ve learned from me are the ones who saw what I did, not what I said. If someone wants to be encouraged or inspired by how I act or what I do, fine. But I don’t preach and I don’t really listen when other people preach or debate me either. Instead, I’m going to provide a list of reasons why NFP is good aside from the Catholic mandate that we should do it.
1. It’s equal responsibility birth control. If we slip up, then both of us slip up. I taught Mike how to read my chart and I keep it posted inside the door of our medicine cabinet in the bathroom. We both know when we should have sex and when we shouldn’t, so if an accident does happen we’ll deal with it together instead of placing blame.
2. It’s cheaper and easier than pills. I’m lazy. Like, seriously lazy. When I would run out of birth control pills I’d often put off going to the pharmacy until I’d missed an active pill or two. That’s not good. And although my current insurance only requires a ten dollar co-pay for every pack of pills, my old insurance used to charge me thirty bucks a pack. My basal body temperature thermometer cost seven bucks, and I can photocopy a year’s worth of charts at Kinko’s for $1.50. You do the math.
3. I can get pregnant sooner when I want to. I have two friends who came off the pill and tried to conceive. One friend conceived after a year of trying, and another has been trying for five or six months now and still isn’t having any luck. I know they say that your body bounces back after three months, but sometimes it takes a lot longer. It’s been sad watching their frustration and discouragement, and I’d rather not go through that.
4. I can participate more in my medical care. Charting teaches you all sorts of stuff about your body that oral contraception covers up. In the short time I’ve been charting I’ve learned a bunch of things about my body. I also have a baseline I can show the doctor when things go wrong. This is much better than when I used to just go to the doctor and say, “I guess things are fine. Just renew my prescription and I’ll get out of here.”
5. It’s healthier. No artificial hormones, no increased risk of blood clots or cancer, no destruction of the mucus glands. It’s nice.
6. It teaches you about your body. When I finished the book I was outraged that I’d spent 27 years being so ignorant and fearful of my own body. The whole reproductive cycle is amazing when you learn about it.
Oddly enough, the book I learned NFP from (Taking Charge of your Fertility by Toni Weschler) is not a Catholic book. It’s utterly secular and pretty liberal and feminist.
Even if the Pope called a press conference tomorrow and told everyone that birth control was cool, I still wouldn’t give up NFP. I just wish there were better resources available.
Now, I don’t know much about theology so I’m not about to debate it. And I know I’ve never gotten much of anywhere trying to convince someone of my moral beliefs. The people who say they’ve learned from me are the ones who saw what I did, not what I said. If someone wants to be encouraged or inspired by how I act or what I do, fine. But I don’t preach and I don’t really listen when other people preach or debate me either. Instead, I’m going to provide a list of reasons why NFP is good aside from the Catholic mandate that we should do it.
1. It’s equal responsibility birth control. If we slip up, then both of us slip up. I taught Mike how to read my chart and I keep it posted inside the door of our medicine cabinet in the bathroom. We both know when we should have sex and when we shouldn’t, so if an accident does happen we’ll deal with it together instead of placing blame.
2. It’s cheaper and easier than pills. I’m lazy. Like, seriously lazy. When I would run out of birth control pills I’d often put off going to the pharmacy until I’d missed an active pill or two. That’s not good. And although my current insurance only requires a ten dollar co-pay for every pack of pills, my old insurance used to charge me thirty bucks a pack. My basal body temperature thermometer cost seven bucks, and I can photocopy a year’s worth of charts at Kinko’s for $1.50. You do the math.
3. I can get pregnant sooner when I want to. I have two friends who came off the pill and tried to conceive. One friend conceived after a year of trying, and another has been trying for five or six months now and still isn’t having any luck. I know they say that your body bounces back after three months, but sometimes it takes a lot longer. It’s been sad watching their frustration and discouragement, and I’d rather not go through that.
4. I can participate more in my medical care. Charting teaches you all sorts of stuff about your body that oral contraception covers up. In the short time I’ve been charting I’ve learned a bunch of things about my body. I also have a baseline I can show the doctor when things go wrong. This is much better than when I used to just go to the doctor and say, “I guess things are fine. Just renew my prescription and I’ll get out of here.”
5. It’s healthier. No artificial hormones, no increased risk of blood clots or cancer, no destruction of the mucus glands. It’s nice.
6. It teaches you about your body. When I finished the book I was outraged that I’d spent 27 years being so ignorant and fearful of my own body. The whole reproductive cycle is amazing when you learn about it.
Oddly enough, the book I learned NFP from (Taking Charge of your Fertility by Toni Weschler) is not a Catholic book. It’s utterly secular and pretty liberal and feminist.
Even if the Pope called a press conference tomorrow and told everyone that birth control was cool, I still wouldn’t give up NFP. I just wish there were better resources available.
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
NFP Woes
One of the downsides of NFP is that you're very conscious of your body. I kind of liked being ignorant. I viewed my reproductive system with the same type of benevolent ignorance that I viewed my digestive system...I don't know how it does what it does, but I'm sure that somehow everything is going okay.
Not anymore. And right now I know that something is happening with my body, but I have no idea what. My chart doesn't look like any of the charts in my book. I know I'm not pregnant, but I'm not getting my period either. Something is up.
Now, the internet is full of information, so I figured it would provide me with a wealth of NFP information as well. Unfortunately, I quickly found that most NFP/FAM practitioners fall into one of two groups:
1. Women who are doing FAM to try to get pregnant
2. Uber-Catholics
I checked out the Catholic websites first, figuring they were more pertinent. I was wrong. There was quite a bit on the moral reasons we need to use NFP, but nothing on how to do it and certainly nothing on troubleshooting. I did run across one woman's website that briefly discussed her personal experiences with NFP, but she danced around specifics. At one point she said that she didn't like to get too specific because she felt that she didn't want to discuss the goings-on of her bedroom, which made me want to tear at my hair and scream, "I don't care about the goings-on in your bedroom! I care about the goings-on of your chart! I want to know if what's happening to me is normal!" A lot of the Catholic websites had that tone, which is kind of like the tone of a high society lady who's forced to clean up after her dog in public parks. The law says she has to do it, but she definitely isn't going to talk readily about something so...gruesomely biological...in polite company. Little hints and innuendos is all she'll drop.
After that I looked at the websites for the women who were trying to get pregnant, and those were much more helpful. After being a nurses' aide for five years in college I'm not shy about talking about the body or its functions anymore. These women aren't either. I even found a gallery where women posted their charts, which was beyond helpful. The closest I can figure is that I'm having an anovulatory cycle, which makes sense. Right around the time I was supposed to ovulate I took a plane trip to Ohio, and after that school started, which has been non-stop stress. Unfortunately an anovulatory cycle can spin out for forty days or more (a Lent's worth!), so it might be awhile before my body rights itself.
If I knew more about NFP I'd start my own website with down-to-earth Catholic advice. I'm tempted to learn more so that I can do just that.
Not anymore. And right now I know that something is happening with my body, but I have no idea what. My chart doesn't look like any of the charts in my book. I know I'm not pregnant, but I'm not getting my period either. Something is up.
Now, the internet is full of information, so I figured it would provide me with a wealth of NFP information as well. Unfortunately, I quickly found that most NFP/FAM practitioners fall into one of two groups:
1. Women who are doing FAM to try to get pregnant
2. Uber-Catholics
I checked out the Catholic websites first, figuring they were more pertinent. I was wrong. There was quite a bit on the moral reasons we need to use NFP, but nothing on how to do it and certainly nothing on troubleshooting. I did run across one woman's website that briefly discussed her personal experiences with NFP, but she danced around specifics. At one point she said that she didn't like to get too specific because she felt that she didn't want to discuss the goings-on of her bedroom, which made me want to tear at my hair and scream, "I don't care about the goings-on in your bedroom! I care about the goings-on of your chart! I want to know if what's happening to me is normal!" A lot of the Catholic websites had that tone, which is kind of like the tone of a high society lady who's forced to clean up after her dog in public parks. The law says she has to do it, but she definitely isn't going to talk readily about something so...gruesomely biological...in polite company. Little hints and innuendos is all she'll drop.
After that I looked at the websites for the women who were trying to get pregnant, and those were much more helpful. After being a nurses' aide for five years in college I'm not shy about talking about the body or its functions anymore. These women aren't either. I even found a gallery where women posted their charts, which was beyond helpful. The closest I can figure is that I'm having an anovulatory cycle, which makes sense. Right around the time I was supposed to ovulate I took a plane trip to Ohio, and after that school started, which has been non-stop stress. Unfortunately an anovulatory cycle can spin out for forty days or more (a Lent's worth!), so it might be awhile before my body rights itself.
If I knew more about NFP I'd start my own website with down-to-earth Catholic advice. I'm tempted to learn more so that I can do just that.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
The Intentions
In the Catholic Mass there's a point after the homily but before Communion where everyone prays for the intentions. Basically someone reads a list of things to pray for, like, "For all of the poor in our city," or for the soul of someone who died, and after each one the congregation says, "Lord, hear our prayer."
In my parish, like most, at the end of the list they say, "For the intentions we hold in the silence of our hearts," which is where we silently put in our own prayers. Then they pause for a moment before everyone says, "Lord, hear our prayer."
Now, this is always tricky for me. Some people may have one or two things to pray for, but I come with a list. And it's not frivolous things, either, like praying for the Brewers to win or for me to win a raffle. It's all legit. I have such a large extended family that there's always someone who's sick, struggling, facing surgery or freshly injured. I also have friends in those situations as well, not to mention lots of students who are having a tough time. I want to include them all.
Now, to me, the pause indicates that we're supposed to take that time to think of each of the people we're praying for. And as I said, with my list that takes some time. It's a challenge each week to think of each person before the reader lets everyone say, "Lord, hear our prayer." I often stand with my eyes closed and my face squished up as I think of them as fast as I can. It probably looks like I'm having a migraine or something, but in reality I'm just trying to fit everyone in. I'm sure that God wouldn't refuse to grant my prayer just because I didn't finish with the rest of the congregation, but it still seems good to get everyone in under the wire.
I sometimes wonder if we're just supposed to be still and let God read the needs in our hearts. I'm not sure. That topic was never really covered in Sunday school, and the only thing I learned from my parents was that we should be quiet. I asked Mike what he does, and he said that he feels guilty about asking for anything so he doesn't think of anything at all.
I suppose I'll keep doing what I'm doing because I'm getting quite good at speed praying. Even if it's not quite correct I still mean well, and that probably counts for something.
In my parish, like most, at the end of the list they say, "For the intentions we hold in the silence of our hearts," which is where we silently put in our own prayers. Then they pause for a moment before everyone says, "Lord, hear our prayer."
Now, this is always tricky for me. Some people may have one or two things to pray for, but I come with a list. And it's not frivolous things, either, like praying for the Brewers to win or for me to win a raffle. It's all legit. I have such a large extended family that there's always someone who's sick, struggling, facing surgery or freshly injured. I also have friends in those situations as well, not to mention lots of students who are having a tough time. I want to include them all.
Now, to me, the pause indicates that we're supposed to take that time to think of each of the people we're praying for. And as I said, with my list that takes some time. It's a challenge each week to think of each person before the reader lets everyone say, "Lord, hear our prayer." I often stand with my eyes closed and my face squished up as I think of them as fast as I can. It probably looks like I'm having a migraine or something, but in reality I'm just trying to fit everyone in. I'm sure that God wouldn't refuse to grant my prayer just because I didn't finish with the rest of the congregation, but it still seems good to get everyone in under the wire.
I sometimes wonder if we're just supposed to be still and let God read the needs in our hearts. I'm not sure. That topic was never really covered in Sunday school, and the only thing I learned from my parents was that we should be quiet. I asked Mike what he does, and he said that he feels guilty about asking for anything so he doesn't think of anything at all.
I suppose I'll keep doing what I'm doing because I'm getting quite good at speed praying. Even if it's not quite correct I still mean well, and that probably counts for something.
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