Lately I've had the urge to become pregnant. Now. Yesterday. I find this odd because not too many years ago I was positive that I'd never get married, let alone have kids. I was tossing around the idea of fostering once I was in my 30's, but I never figured I'd be anyone's biological mom.
Now the urge to have kids has hit so hard and so suddenly that I'm sure it must be some type of biological imperative. Some primitive part of my brain has kicked in...you've got a male, so now it's time to reproduce.
It's made me realize, I have no idea how you decide to start a family. Normally I'd ask my mom, who has also been the recipient of questions such as, "How do you know when you're ready to get married?" and "How do you know when you're ready to buy a house?" However, I think that if I mentioned it to my mom she'd just say, "As soon as possible," because she really wants to be a grandma.
Mike's mom would say, "As soon as Mike gets paid enough so that you can quit as soon as you get pregnant," because she assumes I'll stop everything to be a housewife. Which I won't. That'll be a fun conversation.
My friends won't be much more help, I think. My friend Erica just gave up on her birth control, and figured that whatever happens, happens. Unfortunately, practicing NFP means that not only am I aware of when I can't get pregnant, it means I'm aware of the days I can. So I really can't get "accidentally" knocked up. My friend Jen just had a baby and is trying to convince me that it's something I have to do immediately. My friend Meghan is probably my most level-headed friend, who would probably help me formulate a plan to determine financial and emotional readiness, but even that seems insufficient somehow. There's got to be some other indicator...something...bigger.
Mike is another person to inquire, of course. He's sort of torn, like I am. Part of him wants a child, but part of him thinks we're not ready. He thinks we should have a house, probably because his family always had a house. To me, that's not as big a deal...when I was a kid my family lived in two apartments, a trailer, and a flat before my parents bought their first house.
For me, something seems to be...missing. When you go to start a family in full knowledge of what you're doing, it seems like there should be some reason other than procreation, or finances, or things like that. But I don't know what that is. I suppose I should pray about it, but right now I'm not sure whether it's my body or my soul that wants a child, and I'm not sure how I'd tell the difference.
I almost wish I could get pregnant accidentally sometime in the future, because I'm always better at dealing with the results of my decisions than making the decisions myself.
I don't plan on getting pregnant any time soon, but I do need to figure out how you know when you're supposed to.
On the other hand, I told my brother that if he got Confirmed he could be my prospective offspring's godfather. He seemed to consider the idea, and he also said that if I had a kid he'd babysit on the weekends. So at least that's covered :-)
Monday, July 30, 2007
Stumbling
This past weekend Mike, our friend Matt, and I spent Saturday hanging out. We biked out to Matt's place, walked to the theater to see the matinee of the Simpsons movie, biked home, walked to Brady Street so we could wander around the street festival there, walked to Downer Avenue to see the bike race, and then walked home.
Now, all of the walking from Brady Street on was done in my strappy sandals. These sandals are great for walking a few blocks, but they start to kill your feet after more than a mile or so. By the time we were headed home from Downer Avenue we had walked about two miles already, and my feet were rapidly blistering. I started to hobble, and then stagger, and then cling to Mike as I shuffled along. Mike put his arm around me and I hung on his shoulder as I hobbled along, trying to put as little weight on my feet as possible. I made a few attempts to hop onto his back for a piggyback ride, but when that failed I giggled and went back to hobbling.
As we made our way up Oakland Avenue I realized that not only did it look like I was stumbling drunk at 7 PM, we were also passing by the church and the house where our priest lives. Now, since our congregation was huge I didn't think he'd recognize me even if he was looking out the window, but the idea that he spotted me and assumed I was drunk was highly amusing anyway.
"He's probably got his list of parishoners," I said, "and he put a check next to my name. 'I'll see her in confession next weekend.'"
I don't know if priests or nuns actually do that, but if they do, and someone goes to my church, let them know that I wasn't really drunk. I was just experiencing massive blisters.
Now, all of the walking from Brady Street on was done in my strappy sandals. These sandals are great for walking a few blocks, but they start to kill your feet after more than a mile or so. By the time we were headed home from Downer Avenue we had walked about two miles already, and my feet were rapidly blistering. I started to hobble, and then stagger, and then cling to Mike as I shuffled along. Mike put his arm around me and I hung on his shoulder as I hobbled along, trying to put as little weight on my feet as possible. I made a few attempts to hop onto his back for a piggyback ride, but when that failed I giggled and went back to hobbling.
As we made our way up Oakland Avenue I realized that not only did it look like I was stumbling drunk at 7 PM, we were also passing by the church and the house where our priest lives. Now, since our congregation was huge I didn't think he'd recognize me even if he was looking out the window, but the idea that he spotted me and assumed I was drunk was highly amusing anyway.
"He's probably got his list of parishoners," I said, "and he put a check next to my name. 'I'll see her in confession next weekend.'"
I don't know if priests or nuns actually do that, but if they do, and someone goes to my church, let them know that I wasn't really drunk. I was just experiencing massive blisters.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Life is Beautiful
This week I drove to Racine to do some shopping for the apartment. Even though I’ve been living here for a year now I felt that the apartment still needed to be girl-ified a little, so I went and found things on sale: curtains, hooks to keep the curtains back, a large basket to stash our board games in, a big glass vase, and silk flowers. When I was done arranging these things in the living room the place looked a lot more like home to me.
That evening I spent some much-needed time cuddling with Mike, and then headed off to work for my 11 PM shift. I had to park quite far from the building because the streets around it were closed for the annual Bastille Days festival. It started the next day but they were setting up that night. After I was done with work about twenty minutes later I headed back to my car. Even though I had to walk a few blocks of strange territory late at night, it wasn’t so bad. I made sure not to walk too timidly, and before long I was at my car.
As I waited at a red light I looked at some of Milwaukee’s taller buildings, including the beautiful Wisconsin Gas building. The streets were quiet as I turned onto Van Buren Avenue to head home. Just then the CD in my car started playing Jeff Buckley’s “Hallelujah,” which was one of the songs played at the end of my wedding reception. As I drove along I realized it was one of those moments that felt perfect…it was a beautiful, warm night, I was driving along the streets of a city that finally felt like home, and even though I felt like I could go anywhere tonight, I was coming home to a cozy apartment and a husband I loved. I was free and secure and loved and overwhelmed and excited all at once. Part of me wanted to laugh and part of me wanted to cry at the enormity of it all, but instead I just kept singing along to the song playing in my car.
I think that like most people I spend a lot of time striving for the next goal, concentrating on the next milestone. I think that’s fine…it encourages you to get ahead. But in my case, it also makes me feel like I’m constantly lacking. Instead of thinking about the things I’ve done or the blessings I have, I just have my eye on the next goal. Luckily I also have moments like the one I had that night, when I realize that life is so full and so beautiful that I get almost giddy.
I need to figure out how to have more of those moments.
That evening I spent some much-needed time cuddling with Mike, and then headed off to work for my 11 PM shift. I had to park quite far from the building because the streets around it were closed for the annual Bastille Days festival. It started the next day but they were setting up that night. After I was done with work about twenty minutes later I headed back to my car. Even though I had to walk a few blocks of strange territory late at night, it wasn’t so bad. I made sure not to walk too timidly, and before long I was at my car.
As I waited at a red light I looked at some of Milwaukee’s taller buildings, including the beautiful Wisconsin Gas building. The streets were quiet as I turned onto Van Buren Avenue to head home. Just then the CD in my car started playing Jeff Buckley’s “Hallelujah,” which was one of the songs played at the end of my wedding reception. As I drove along I realized it was one of those moments that felt perfect…it was a beautiful, warm night, I was driving along the streets of a city that finally felt like home, and even though I felt like I could go anywhere tonight, I was coming home to a cozy apartment and a husband I loved. I was free and secure and loved and overwhelmed and excited all at once. Part of me wanted to laugh and part of me wanted to cry at the enormity of it all, but instead I just kept singing along to the song playing in my car.
I think that like most people I spend a lot of time striving for the next goal, concentrating on the next milestone. I think that’s fine…it encourages you to get ahead. But in my case, it also makes me feel like I’m constantly lacking. Instead of thinking about the things I’ve done or the blessings I have, I just have my eye on the next goal. Luckily I also have moments like the one I had that night, when I realize that life is so full and so beautiful that I get almost giddy.
I need to figure out how to have more of those moments.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Bits and Pieces
Last week Mike and I performed our marital duties without the protection of a condom, relying solely on Natural Family Planning.
Annnnnnnnnnd...it worked! I finished my cycle and started a new one. No pregnancy!
Granted, one episode of intercourse doesn't prove anything yet, but it was still encouraging. I'm finally getting the hang of this NFP stuff.
In other news that only Catholics will find funny, Mike's mom wanted us to pray to St. Jude to help us get a house. I'm not sure if her idea for us to pray to the patron of hopeless causes was thoughtful or a little insulting. Either way, I suppose it wouldn't hurt.
Annnnnnnnnnd...it worked! I finished my cycle and started a new one. No pregnancy!
Granted, one episode of intercourse doesn't prove anything yet, but it was still encouraging. I'm finally getting the hang of this NFP stuff.
In other news that only Catholics will find funny, Mike's mom wanted us to pray to St. Jude to help us get a house. I'm not sure if her idea for us to pray to the patron of hopeless causes was thoughtful or a little insulting. Either way, I suppose it wouldn't hurt.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Godparenting
I'm not pregnant, or even close, but with two of my close friends from college having babies this summer I've started to think about childbearing. And in addition to finding a new apartment* and getting all the gear associated with babies, I've started thinking about baptism.
Mike and I are both practicing Catholics, and I'm learning that it's a rare thing in my generation. Of all my friends and family members I only know three people my age who are churchgoing Catholics...my married friends Jen and Joel, and my friend Meghan who goes to church without her husband. Other than that, all my other Catholic friends and family are either non-practicing, unconfirmed, or otherwise ineligible.
This scares me because Mike and I are still trying to use NFP, and I think that within the next cycle or two we're going to try winging it without condoms. While part of me thinks that we'll be fine, another part of me is bracing for pregnancy. That means also bracing for delivery, and childrearing, and baptism. And I have no idea what we'll do when the time comes.
I'm sure nobody reads this blog, but if any of you do and are practicing Catholics who would like to be a godparent to a kid in the Milwaukee area, let me know. Hopefully it's a bridge we won't have to cross for three years or so, but I'm trying to be prepared.
Mike and I are both practicing Catholics, and I'm learning that it's a rare thing in my generation. Of all my friends and family members I only know three people my age who are churchgoing Catholics...my married friends Jen and Joel, and my friend Meghan who goes to church without her husband. Other than that, all my other Catholic friends and family are either non-practicing, unconfirmed, or otherwise ineligible.
This scares me because Mike and I are still trying to use NFP, and I think that within the next cycle or two we're going to try winging it without condoms. While part of me thinks that we'll be fine, another part of me is bracing for pregnancy. That means also bracing for delivery, and childrearing, and baptism. And I have no idea what we'll do when the time comes.
I'm sure nobody reads this blog, but if any of you do and are practicing Catholics who would like to be a godparent to a kid in the Milwaukee area, let me know. Hopefully it's a bridge we won't have to cross for three years or so, but I'm trying to be prepared.
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