Worry

Today in church the priest was talking about people who wind up entrapped by daily life...things like bad relationships, loneliness, disappointing circumstances, things like that. One of the things he named was worry.

Now, this made me sit up a little straighter and listen because I worry quite a bit. People tell me that I shouldn't, but that's like telling someone not to blink or breathe. Worry comes naturally to me. So I was curious to hear what he was going to say.

He started saying, "How many of you worry about..." and filling in pretty mundane things. But then he started talking about bigger problems. The war. Homelessness. Things like that. And that made me feel even worse because although I worry a lot, the perimeter of my worry runs exactly along my pregnant belly. I do think about other things - my husband's job, the fact that I'll be looking for a new job for the fall, my health - but mostly in terms of how they'll impact the baby. Right now most of my thoughts and concerns are directly related to the child I'm carrying. Perhaps this is how it has to be right now...I only have so much energy, and the baby takes up a lot. But it makes me feel awful because not too long ago I was concerned about the war, homelessness, hunger, other peoples' well-being. Now unless it happens at work or might affect my baby it's almost completely off my radar.

I still do things to improve the world. I still commute over an hour each way to work at a high school full of needy, impoverished kids. I still tutor people who can't speak English every week. I still go to church and do what I can for the environment.* None of that has changed. And maybe since I'm doing things, worrying about things isn't as essential. Still, I feel bad that I don't have concern for everyone and everything like I used to.

So, I'm not sure. I guess I don't know where to draw the line between being compassionate and being a worrywart, between nurturing my family and closing out the outside world. Since care and concern for others is one of the main qualities I want to instill in my son and keep up in myself I'll have to think about this more.



* My biggest contribution lately has been ordering cloth diapers for the baby...yeah, I know, more baby stuff.