Messes

At the Christmas Mass the priest talked about God's presence. He said that we often like to think of God as being in quiet, solemn, calm places like churches. But more often God can be found in the middle of messes - in a manger where a teenager is laboring to give birth, in the center of a natural disaster where people are lending help, and right in the middle of the messes in our own lives.

I'm trying to remember that this week, that I can find God in chaos. That even when I feel alone and isolated in all the turbulence, that I'm really not.

It's really, really hard, though.

I mean, when things are going well it's so easy to believe. When everything falls into place it's so easy to smile and say, "Yep, God has a plan and I can see it all laid out right here." That's actually how it felt when I met and got engaged to Mike...everything happened so suddenly, and everything lined up so perfectly, and some of the coincidences were so eerie that it made perfect sense, to me anyway, that there was some divine intervention going on. I felt like God had taken a big jagged piece of my life and, as if He were working a puzzle, turned it just the right way so it all clicked and fit together. Snap. Of course this was all supposed to happen. That's just one example, but it's a pretty good example of how I see God working in the perfect, joyous events of my life.

But what about the chaotic moments? Yeah, not so easy. When I see bad things happening to my students or to my friends it's so hard. Occasionally I can see how things might turn out for the better...for example, maybe my sister's marital problems will either wind up strengthening her relationship or free her to find her real soulmate. The big setbacks don't rattle me as much as the little day-to-day things. It's when I had an awful day at work, my car gives me trouble starting, I don't have enough money in the bank, and I come home and snap at Mike that I wonder, What's this all for? Why is this all happening to me? I can see the potential greater good in a life-changing event, but the small, seemingly pointless stuff makes me crazy.

So that's what I've been trying to do. Trying to find God and meaning in the midst of a mess.

Like I said, it's really, really hard.