This is a hard thing to explain.
My pregnancy was, of course, unplanned. The way my husband put it was, “We bet against the house and the house won.” We knew we were having sex at a time that was a little risky, but we figured we’d be safe. One time can’t get you pregnant, right? We were on vacation for the first time in a long time, staying in a nice hotel we’d probably never visit again, and had just attended a beautiful wedding. We’d probably be okay.
Well, no. A few weeks later we found out that one time can get you pregnant. I should have known…after all, we tell that to the girls I work with all the time. We went from dismayed and scared to happy and excited pretty quickly, and now I wouldn’t trade this pregnancy and this baby for anything. I pray every night and at church every Sunday that my child comes into the world all right.
However. That doesn’t erase the fact that we weren’t planning and weren’t ready for a baby. We’re making strides quickly, but financially we’re far from set. My husband and I had decided to pour a lot of our income into our debts, and we were making great headway in paying off our student loans, credit card bills, and my car loan. We only had a few grand in the bank, but our debt was shrinking at a nice rate. I still think that this is the best plan for two adults with reliable cars and good health insurance. It’s not the best plan for a couple expecting a baby. I worry quite a bit that the costs of the delivery and the costs of a new baby will deplete our savings almost immediately and I’ll have to pawn stuff or something. It’s not a likely scenario, and my husband and I are doing everything we can to make our situation better, but I still worry that we won’t have enough money for a baby.
At this point I’d love to do the clichéd Catholic thing…just smile and say, “I know God will provide.” But I feel like I can’t.
I got into this situation because of my misjudgment. Conceiving now was my fault. I feel like I should deal with the consequences alone. I feel like it’s a cop out to just sit back and expect God to take care of me. Whenever I think this I feel so guilty, as if I’m calling my child a mistake. I know he’s not a mistake. I don’t regret getting pregnant and I don’t want anything to stop the pregnancy. I’d be devastated if anything happened. However…I also feel like I don’t deserve God’s help the way another couple might…a couple who planned their pregnancy, who had their lives and finances in order, a couple who had been married for a longer time and had carefully considered the ramifications of pregnancy and decided it was what God wanted them to do. Mike and I didn’t do any of that. We took a chance and it turned out differently than we thought it would. I just feel like I don’t deserve God’s help as much as someone else might.
But then, that begs the question, do any of us deserve God’s help? I suppose we don’t. And yet, He helps us every day. I know He’s helped me before and I probably don’t deserve what He’s given me. Can any of us really, confidently say “God will provide” as if we deserve it? Or do we just count on the fact that He loves us enough to help us whether we’ve followed His wishes or whether we’ve screwed up?
It’s something to think about.
Throughout my pregnancy my prayer has been, “Lord, let Your will be done during this pregnancy, and if it is Your will, please, please let me have this baby.” I suppose after the child is born I’ll pray, “Lord, let Your will be done to my child, and let us provide for our baby in the way that is best for Your plan.”
I think that’ll work.
